The Endomorph (I'm slow; I go back and forth)

Ste. Elsewhere!

2008-03-07T01:22:00.005-06:00

Okay, so here's the deal - my good friend Elsie Weir (Greatest Pseudonym Ever - sorry, but I have to use it now that it's been said) has started a blog, and I don't know if she's stuck herself on the fatosphere feed yet. Even if she did, I'd still want to link to it and talk about how cool it is.

(But seriously, when are you gonna put yourself on that thing already?)

Anyway, please follow the link to Elsewhere, where she writes about "anything from feminism and fat acceptance to books, cooking and other ill-advised creative endeavors!" It's still kind of a work in progress over there, but definitely check out her entry entitled "wannabe glamourpuss," about her relationship with fashion and the beginnings of fat acceptance.

Seriously, you'll be glad you did. And keep reading.

Take it easy,

TE

I think, therefore I am. (Reading JFS)

2008-02-26T01:22:00.008-06:00

Just started on this series by Sandy Szwarc at Junkfood Science, and part one is a fascinating post about early fat activism and - surprise! - how feeling bad about being fat could be worse for you than actually being fat.

Pay special attention to the story of the Rosetans, a group of Italian immigrants in Pennsylvania in the 1960s. My goodness, how I'd love to go back in time and spend a good week or two with those people in their warm, wonderful community: smelling the men's cigars and drinking red wine, eating rich Italian foods and defying organized medicine... it sounds like heaven to me!

Seriously, read the article. I know I'm a little late in getting to it, but I've got a lot of catching up to do. So glad I started with JFS.

Short note on the MS front: Did a Medrol dose-pak, then continued on prednisone at half the dose I'm used to. (Two weeks to go.) I'm doing alright, but I'm tired all the time. That's better than my usual time with prednisone, though, being ravenous and restless. But I'm keeping up on my Copaxone like a good Teva Neuroscience fangirl and I know things will get better.

Take it easy, everyone.

Hard to stick?

2008-02-15T01:05:00.006-06:00

Spent last week doing another Medrol infusion to kick this exacerbation. The steroid worked amazingly well this time, both physically and mentally, and not in small part due to a very understanding IV technician (he's actually the director of nursing) who treated me with kindness and respect. (And didn't tell me to fix my valve-y veined arms by losing weight or something. I'd have been like, "Haha, I dropped 15 pounds being sick already so there!" Well, not really, but I fantasize about saying stuff like that to less awesome people. Seriously, he was a dream.)

So, I have a question for all of you fat folks who spend time at the doctor's or the hospital - have you ever been told, before anyone's even looked at your veins or touched your skin, whether or not you'll be "hard to stick"? I had an experience with that this time around and it puzzled me - I've never had trouble giving blood, nor been told I have "rolling" veins or anything of the sort - and yet I was deemed troublesome before I'd even gone down to the lab! (They actually called my house to find this out - wtf?)

Why would one look at a fat person and automatically deem them difficult in the blood department? I mean, if you've got enough training to take someone's blood, shouldn't you also have enough to know that veins typically aren't smushed under three inches of impermeable fat or whatever it is you think you're looking at?

(Then again, who am I kidding? Read stories at First Do No Harm and see what doctors get away with. It's horrifying.)

So does anyone have anything similar to share? I asked a fat friend of mine and said she'd never experienced it herself, but would be mighty pissed if it had happened to her.

Thanks for reading and take care!

Show Me! (Your fat blogs!)

2008-02-04T22:31:00.000-06:00

Okay, I know I just posted, but I figure it's time to make up for all that absence with this piece of news:

I received the following message from a lady through my MySpace profile, and we have exchanged pleasant emails since. She's interested in interviewing fat bloggers from Missouri. As far as I know, I'm the only one. But she gave me permission to post her message here for others to see, just in case I'm joined by other Missourians about whom I wasn't aware!

So come on you guys! Show Me your fat blogs and send this lady a message if you're interested.

(message has been slightly edited to preserve some of the writer's privacy.)

My name is Rose Raymond. I am a reporter for the Columbia Missourian, a community newspaper based in Columbia, MO. In response to the recent national media coverage on fat acceptance blogs, we are interested in doing an article about fat acceptance blogs and websites that are written by Missouri residents.

I have seen your 'theendomorph' blog and am very interested in interviewing you via phone or AIM about your blog. Also, if you know of any other bloggers from Missouri that run fat acceptance blogs, it would be great if you could pass along their URLs. Thanks a lot for your time and help. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Rose Raymond
roseraymond@gmail.com

So what do you all think? I've agreed to it, hoping to shed some light on my feelings about being fat and how this community has inspired me to talk about them. But... I'm not so sure about the phone or AIM thingy. I'm shy when I get a ring, but typing is troublesome. The good thing is, a week ago Ms. Raymond let me know that she'd like to get her article out within a month. So I guess I have some time to get brave, exercise my fingers, and hunt down some MO residents who feel the same way I do.

So hop to it! I'm gonna keep saying "Show-Me your fat blogs!" until someone responds. And that sounds silly, so if you wanna stop it, you know what to do.

The exacerbation, Copaxone again (!), and fat disability aids!

2008-02-04T21:05:00.001-06:00

Okay, everybody - here's that up-and-coming post I was talking about before. But first of all, some blog maintenance news: I've made comments available to registered users only. I've gotten some lovely and warm wishes (and help!) from several kind people. Unfortunately, I've also received some trolling from people who don't wish to use their names when leaving nasty comments.

I'm not trying to shut anyone out - I love hearing from all of you! - but before you reply, can you please take a moment and register with Blogger? It doesn't take much time or energy and you can use it for all sorts of things - you could even start your own blog!

Again, I'm sorry if anyone feels excluded by this. Thanks to all of you for your kind comments (some of which I haven't replied to in months - bad Endomorph!). Now, on to my post.

As I said the last time, I've been in pretty rotten straits as far as my health goes. I've also been feeling out of place in the online community lately. It's not the fault of anybody specific, or any specific topic - I've been withdrawing from everything. It's the fault of being sick, really.

In short - or not so short, as it turns out - I have had, and am still having, a major exacerbation. The period of time I had to spend off of Copaxone in October threw me down into a place that I've never experienced before. I was worse than I'd ever been - worse even than before I was diagnosed, which is when the symptoms I still have first developed, and which was the first time I couldn't walk. All of my usual symptoms became worse, like my regular exacerbations, but then it got harder. I lost the ability to walk and to get out of bed - even just to sit up - by myself. My right leg became lame and useless. I went from cane to walker to wheelchair through November, when I took my first Tysabri infusion.

I didn't expect Tysabri to fix me overnight, but I hoped it would make a difference, since my body had become so sick so I could take it and hopefully get some help. I thought that it could surely clean up something that had just happened, if I hoped hard enough.

But it didn't. At the end of November, I told my neuro to put me back on Copaxone. He was disappointed - kept asking me to try one more month or so. But I told him I couldn't afford one more month of not knowing if it would affect me positively, and he wrote me a prescription. I was so happy.

But the hardship didn't end there. I knew I'd have to wait some time before restarting Copaxone, but I didn't expect a three-month wash out period. No one - not my doctor, not the MS specialist who recommended a pulse of Tysabri in the first place ("A month off Copaxone, three to six of Tysabri, then a month off again and back to Copaxone"), and not one of the many Tysabri reps I spoke to during this time - told me about that.

Like I said, I expected a waiting period like the one that required me to stop Copaxone. I blame myself for this - I should have asked more questions - but I still wonder why no one told me this. I always mentioned I intended to go back on Copaxone.

So I'd been stuck in this place since I stopped Copaxone and it only got worse - I was able to get back to a walker again, but in the last month I'd slid down the little bit that I managed to climb. Back in the wheelchair, not being able to use the right leg again, and whatever dexterity I gained in my hands is gone again. Plus a bout of optic neuritis causing my right eye to give double vision, followed by some scary misbehavior with my bladder, for which I'm going to see a urologist soon.

Anyway, I won't be bitter any longer - I went back on Copaxone on the 24th and I'm glad to have it. And fortunately, last Monday I went on a high dose of prednisone, followed by going in to the hospital for Solu-Medrol again today. (This is my fifth time.) I'm not so big on optimism, but I have a lot of good feelings that the reintroduction of the Copaxone, plus the Solu-Medrol, plus the prednisone taper that'll follow this week will get me back to a better place.

I'm using all my Typing Spoons writing this, and I'm sorry to have gone on so long and so bitterly before I hit that positive note. I didn't mean to turn this blog into a "complaining about MS" blog - I hoped to report news, give some insight about MS and fat acceptance and bisexuality from my experiences, and make like-minded friends. I've got some good news - fat news, actually! - and before I conk out and my fingers give out altogether, I thought I should list these good things!

Here we go:

* The SEMO Alliance for Disability Independence, which is a non-profit center that provides assistance for disabled people in my part of the state, has helped me out greatly during this time.

The point of this asterisk is that they also offer mobility and assistance aids to people who can't afford them or come by them easily. They gave me a used shower chair a few months back and it was a godsend, especially now. So when I first started to go downhill after having stopped Copaxone, my mom gave them a call and asked about a walker and potty chair (since I couldn't walk well enough - even with Michie holding onto me - to get to the bathroom in time).

Anyway, they called back right away with some positive news, and in mid-November my mom drove Michie and I there to pick up a walker and potty chair. I found a walker that fit me well - the first one they offered was too small and not wide enough for my hips to get to - and they had no problem with me needing another one. But I had to wait for the potty chair - again, the ones they brought out first weren't big enough for me to sit on comfortably. But the nice SADI people said they'd call the next day when they found one, and they did! My mom went to get it, and it's perfect. It wasn't a donated object - meaning it was going to cost something - but SADI will pay for one aid per person per year, as far as I understand, and so I got my potty chair with no worries!

The point is, it was no problem to ask them for larger aids to accomodate me. They were helpful, supportive, and completely understanding. No one questioned my size, how it related to my disability (not at all), or made a judgment or cracked a "friendly" joke. I felt completely respected and cared for by these dedicated, professional people. Kudos to SADI and their fantastic team of employees.

* One more bullet before I go: The day I went up there, SADI also pointed me in the way of a home medical supply company, which was just as helpful. Two young ladies helped me pick out a large size wheelchair (prescribed by my doctor) and I had a great experience there, too. They're currently helping me order a blood pressure cuff and stethoscope (prescribed for low blood pressure - how about that? Hehe) and it's the same thing this time. Again, good going you guys.

If anyone reading this needs information on how to reach these services and companies, please leave a comment with your email and I'll be glad to help.

That's all I've got for now. My next posts will be about two cool fat subjects: first, an upcoming article in the Columbia Missourian about the current media interest in fat acceptance. The lady who contacted me said I could re-post part of her email to me in here. Check back soon for more information. Fat Missouri bloggers, I'm looking at you! *points*

Then, after that, I've got a fat fashion / friend blog recommendation to hand out to you all. I'm sure you'll love both.

Take care, everyone. Again, thanks for reading.

The Endomorph

I'm alive! (Now, about the lack of posts...)

2008-01-31T15:47:00.001-06:00

Hello, everyone. Yes, the Endomorph is still here, barely, and when she feels up to it. I've had a hard time since I last posted.

In short, after going off Copaxone, I had a terrible month waiting for Tysabri, so much so that I got sicker than ever before my first infusion. (Details later.) I always believed in it, but really didn't realize how much Copaxone was doing for me, or how blessed I was to have it. Then, once I decided to stop Tysabri (after the one infusion) because I simply couldn't wait for results that I didn't know would come, I couldn't get back on Copaxone (which I knew worked for me) fast enough and picked up a new exacerbation that's lasted for weeks.

Basically, my fingers and feelings have been shot the last few months - that's why I haven't updated. If I could have, I'd have posted this sooner. For those of you who read this blog, I'm sorry.

I have a longer post coming soon, probably before or on the weekend, detailing what's up with my absence. In addition to going on and on about my health, I have some fat positive experience to write about regarding disability. It was really eye-opening and affirming.

I also have some news for fat bloggers in Missouri (anybody out there?) regarding an interview offer from the Columbia Missourian. More on that soon, too, probably on the post after the next one. (It should get its own entry, I think, when I can manage it.)

So, in conclusion, thanks for reading, everyone. I'll be back as soon as possible. I missed the Fatosphere and the helpful comments from you guys with MS. I hope everyone on Tysabri is well - it didn't work out for me, but I hope it works for the rest of you who are taking it. I guess I'm more of a glatiramer acetate kinda girl.

Take care, and thanks for your support.

I'm famous! And I'm getting Tysabri!

2007-10-18T14:01:00.001-05:00

mo pie featured my "bad fat girl" post at Big Fat Deal. I'm famous! Well, sorta. I'm not used to being talked about, except in that "bitchy high school girl" sort of way, so this is new to me. I'm a big fan of BFD so this is kind of an honor. If you don't already read it, you're really missing out.

And finally, I have some Tysabri news:

I was contacted last week by a Tysabri caseworker, who'd received my papers from my neurologist. She briefly explained some info about infusions to me which I'd already learned, but they have to repeat stuff a lot because of the TOUCH thing. Then she gave me the names of places close to me where I could have the infusion done. I asked about a hospital in the nearest city that I liked, but unfortunately my neurologist couldn't prescribe there. The other two places were a hospital I didn't like, and an infusion center called OptionCare. I asked my caseworker for more time to decide, and we hung up.

I was already decided on the infusion center, since I didn't wanna go to the hospital, but I decided to give them a call yesterday anyway. I went to their website first and was very happy with what I saw, and I was even happier after I called. I talked to a nurse and I liked what she had to say about their facility and the procedure. They have four nurses on staff there, and a private infusion room with a recliner, a TV and VCR, and plenty of room. The infusions are done in the elbow, which I'm used to, and they take an hour plus an hour afterward for observation. I told the nurse to expect a call from Tysabri because I was sold, and thanked her for her time.

I called Tysabri back right afterward and let them know. So hopefully, in a week and a half, if all goes well with insurance and stuff, I should be making an appointment with OptionCare for my first infusion. I'm very worried about Missouri Medicaid (now MoHealthNet, ugh) giving me trouble, as they've been doing for my migraine medicine and sleeping pills lately. However, I'm really excited. Being off the Copaxone for these last few weeks has left me feeling worse than ever, even with the prednisone, and I can't wait to be on something new that could help me. Even if the results are really small at first, I'm putting a lot of hope into this.

So there's what's going on with Tysabri. I'm just waiting on insurance to figure out what they're doing, and then I'm good to go. Wish me luck, because I'm always worried I'll need it.

In completely unrelated news, I'm really excited to see 30 Days of Night tomorrow. I'm a big fan of survival horror, and I love Danny Huston. What's even more exciting is that my lady love and I are treating ourselves to Indian food before we see the film. I love Indian food so very much - saag paneer is my favorite dish and I hope they feature it on the lunch buffet.

Lotsa people have been talking about foods and food-positivity lately, so if anyone's surfing over here from Big Fat Deal or wherever, or happens to just read this on their own, I was wondering: What's your favorite food? And if you like Indian food, what's your favorite dish? I'm excited for my big day out tomorrow and my mouth's already watering, so lemme know what makes yours do the same!

Take care and thanks for reading!

The bad fat girl sends her thanks.

2007-10-13T02:07:00.001-05:00

I just wanted to let everyone who responded to my "fat sins" post know how much I appreciated it. I'm going to respond individually to everyone soon - things just got a little complicated IRL in the past couple of days.

Again, I want to reiterate that nobody in the Fatosphere inspired the post. It was mostly the venting of old things that I'd felt bad about on my own and felt like getting off my chest. Fillyjonk just wrote about these kinds of ideas at Shapely Prose and it's a very good read. My favorite part:

But I don’t want anyone reading “I practice Health At Every Size” to mean “I may be fat, but my refrigerator looks like a food co-op and I have a closet full of matching workout outfits and running shoes.” There are plenty of reasons why a lifestyle like that might be out of reach for someone — money, physical condition, or just a lack of inclination. But HAES means something a lot more complex than “fat in body, thin in habits.” It means a life based on something deeper than self-recrimination. And it’s possible for everybody.

I agree with this wholly, and again, nobody in the FA movement inspired my last post. A lot of the things I talked about before - my activity level, my aversion to sunlight, - are out of my control, and I can't change them (or, it would be a serious hardship to). The ones I could change that I choose not to - my sense of fashion, my love of ramen and red meat - are not really "fat sins." They're parts of my personality and my life that I would like to remain constant, even if they don't fit in with what other people might think of as "good." The way I see it, it's all just me redefining HAES for myself, as everyone is able to do and should do. There is no "good" or "bad." There was just me thinking I was "bad" for awhile thanks to old drama (which I will probably discuss later at some point) and ideas like HAES, which are not particuarly new to me but occasionally jump up and hit me over the head with "Hey, you're not doing this right!" As if there's a "right" way - well, there is, but it's got to be right for you, not everyone.

I consider myself lucky enough to have never dieted or felt like I should diet, but again I wonder if my brief feelings of inadequacy with regards to HAES are in any way comparable to a dieter who feels she or he is failing in their weight loss program. In the comments for Fillyjonk's post, a few people bring up the inclusion of mental health in HAES. I've never felt that people who were constantly dieting - always putting themselves down, depriving themselves of nourishment and enjoyment, and sticking to a regimen that not only made their bodies unwell but also made their minds addled by points and numbers of pounds - were particularly healthy in any way. It seemed unhealthy to me to even think that way. It seemed kinda crazy.

Self-recrimination sucks for everyone. So I'm gonna keep eating my ramen and red meat, keep half-heartedly doing my yoga, and keep being frumpy because I like frumpy! That doesn't make me a fat sinner.

Well, I am a fat sinner, but it's not because I'm fat!

-TE

P.S. MS and Tysabri post coming soon, I promise. Complicated RL sucks.

List of "fat sins."

2007-10-10T18:19:00.001-05:00

This started out fairly lighthearted and ended up in the realm of the depressing-yet-socially-aware. I wonder exactly how this post is going to be taken.

Why I Am A "Bad" Fat Person:

I really, truly like dressing in dark-colored clothes that are considered "frumpy." For the last six years it's been long dark skirts, dark sweaters, tank tops (which do show my arms), the occasional orange or light blue blouse when I'm feeling adventurous, and pretty tame sandals or clogs or lace ups. My profile picture, in which I am wearing the pink skirt and blue halter top, is an extremely rare exercise in creative dressing for me, and only gets repeated once or twice a year. That said, I have no intention of dressing in belly tops, short shorts or skirts, or anything hot pink or sherbet orange or lime green simply because it is (and should be) my right to do so, not even though I'm fat, but because I am and I can dress any way I want. Well, for God's sake, this is how I want to dress. I barely even like blue jeans or other "normal" clothing, either - I'm just not comfortable in clothes like that, and don't think I should feel like some repressed, sad fat girl because I guess I dress like one. I am a sad fat girl, just not sad because I'm fat!

Also, I like dark, cold, "bad" weather. And I hate the sun and loathe going out in it, not just because of the heat (which is uncomfortable and exacerbates MS) but because of the brightness, which hurts my eyes and burns my skin, which I also enjoy keeping pale. I would frankly rather stay inside and sit in front of my computer, or draw, or read a book than be caught in "good" weather, unless there's a really good reason to go out. If it were up to me, and I were able to work, I'd find a desk job at home like my mother's and only leave the house for the 24-hour grocery store, or the video- and bookstores that stay open past 8pm. On a really cloudy day, with promises of rain, I might be persuaded to go out in the early afternoon. Maybe. Just maybe.

Here's one thing I'll never go outside in the sun or summer for: sporting events, 'cause I don't like sports. Which leads me to this: I honestly don't like exercise very much, either. Any exercise I do is motivated out of guilt ("Oh noes, I'm not being a good fat girl unless I practice HAES!") or out of a genuine desire to affect pain management for MS. It usually ends up causing me more pain than good, at least right now. The yoga that I do 2-3 times a week (after not having done it for months) is a 20 minute gentle workout with few standing and no squatting poses, and I'm learning to enjoy it, mostly with the encouragement of my friend Randi and this awesome yogatard. But I can't do much more than that physically because of my gait imbalance and muscle weakness, so no matter how awesome I look in the yogatard, chances are I still feel shitty (physically and emotionally) about my activity level being so poor and painful to me. Now I know I'll be able to do more once I've worked at it longer, and I really do look forward to those days. Maybe by then I'll have shaken this notion that it's something I have to do to get taken seriously, and instead care more about the helpful things it's doing for my body and my mind when I get there.

Not everything I eat is good for me. I really feel like I should have to pretend, though, because I think that HAES is a really wonderful concept. However, it's extremely hard to practice unless I have the time (for exercise) and the dime (for foods). I really kind of want to know where all the really poor fat people are in this movement. You know, the unfortunate ones we talk about who can't afford fresh organic greens with every meal and don't have to buy the hormone-injected beef, but that we never seem to come into actual contact with. Those guys and gals. Well, yeah, I'm one of them. I'm one of the slobs conservatives talk about who buys a 12-count box of ramen at Wal-Mart for $1.50 and it feeds me lunch for almost two weeks - and I don't prepare it the usual way, oh no. I drain the cooked noodles completely, then pop in a tbsp of butter and the sauce mix and make gooey cholesterrific noodles instead of brothy ones. I like cream cheese so damn much I will eat half a box of it alone, without a bagel, and a slice or six of summer sausage is the best junk food ever. I snack on countless Cheez-Its between meals while swilling down regular Coke. I love Coke and sweet-sweet tea and Great Value fruit punch and other drinkable sugars. As far as sweet foods go I can honestly say I rarely touch them - I consider apples and oranges my sweets, because I don't really like sugary foods even if they're totally natural, but I might also have an ice cream bar every month or so.

I'm honestly in love with salt and starch and always have been. My full meals - when I can afford to make full meals I usually have a nice one a day - usually consist of some fatty, unhealthy meat (like rare roast beef), a large baked potato full up with butter, salt, and pepper (and sometimes sour cream!) and a frozen veggie like Brussels sprouts or spinach. I guess I'm good because I always eat a good veggie or two with every full meal, and it's not a hardship for me to eat it - I've loved vegetables for as long as I can remember. (Note for the phobes: I've also been fat for as long as I can remember, and when I stopped eating 'cause of MS and didn't have any of this food, I dropped some weight - I call it "sick weight" - and I was still fat. But OMG, when I went back to my regular diet I didn't magically gain all that weight back plus more! Amazing!)

Some of this is bought on an EBT card, and just one of those meals takes up over 30% of what I'm allotted each month. Like finding the people with MS on Medicaid instead of private insurance or Medicare, or the ones who had to default to SSI instead of SSDI because they hadn't worked enough or couldn't get Social Security to believe they're really disabled, the fat poor that we talk about is so often MIA on the internet. Now I know it's probably because most of them can't afford the internet, and I'm very lucky - if I didn't live with my mother, who makes her living working from home, I wouldn't even be here. Now, I'm not saying everyone I know of in the fat acceptance movement is a Rockefeller, but it's rare for me to hear about these kinds of hardships unless we're talking about the nameless fatties that the conservatives seem to think are eating up our food stamps system and destroying America's health with their gluttony and their lack of jobs or training or their five kids or... their incurable diseases that render them unable to work? Yeah, those fuckers. I never hear from them, just about them. If I'm the only one kicking around right now, maybe I should talk about this more? But then...

I feel like I'm a "bad" fat person who has, at this point, done nothing to better her circumstances because right now I have no idea where I'd go or what I'd do. My SSI is small, but if I were able to work - I'd have to start out part-time - I'd barely make more than that where I'm living now, and my food stamps would likely decrease as a result. My partner is paid to take care of me, but I am given a criminal amount of hours a week for her to "work," and her two paychecks a month total less than my SSI. She too is on food stamps, and has recently been approved for Medicaid as well. It's a slippery slope, one meant to keep you down if you're down and not let you back up unless you win the lottery or marry someone with a million dollars who can afford to take care of you or, you know, are able to go to school for two to four years and find a really nice job after that time and hopefully find some kind of security on your own. And you know what? As frustrated as I get with my SSI, and as irritating as Missouri Medicaid has grown in the past few months, I don't know what I'd do right now without it. I really, really, really want to go to school someday, but not so much for myself - not to better myself as a person, or to reach goals, or to go on Girls Gone Disabled or whatever - but because I hope someday I'll be able to work again, and have a really nice job, and get us out of this hole we're stuck in. This very comfortable, very appreciated hole that I'll admit to liking living in for the time being. I guess I'm a "bad" poor person, too.

I've got no idea where I'm going with this. Maybe this is just my confessional list of fat sins I'm trying to get off my chest. I know I shouldn't feel ashamed by any of these things - that wild diversity is important in any movement - but I can't help feeling like I'm a prime example of the kind of black sheep nobody wants to talk about because I might be proving things right about fat people that aren't the best things fat acceptance should represent. No, I'm not weight loss dieting or planning my next stomach amputation, but I'm not being "good" either. I just sort of "am," and this is what you get with me.

Nobody in particular has made me feel this way; rather, it's just an overwhelming feeling of failure. I wonder if this is how people who are dieting or are unhappy with their fat bodies feel? I have no experience with that, so I don't really know. Does anyone have any opinions or a helpful way to make me stop feeling like such a douchebag?

Oh, oh, I forgot one:

I've got high cholesterol, so says my doctor. (Who tested me for it without my consent, I might add, at 217 or thereabouts.) No, I don't plan on taking any medication for it or changing my above eating habits or starting a rigorous workout plan that I've already said I can't do. I use a cocktail of herbal supplements that seem to be keeping me from keeling over at any moment. Well, for right now, anyway.

... 'Kay, that's so it for this post. Tomorrow I'm gonna stick ot the really fun stuff: I'll talk about going off my beloved Copaxone for Tysabri, the way that prednisone makes me feel physically and emotionally (and the uncharacteristic-of-me body dysmorphia it brings with it), and the medical drama it's bringing. We'll call it MS Day at The Endomorph's.

This is why I haven't done yoga in so long.

2007-10-04T18:19:00.000-05:00

(Click for larger picture.)
That's me and several of my babies. The one I'm holding is Oswald, who is the apple of my eye. He's also a pretty good substitute for a yoga brick.

I'm wearing my yogatard from Junonia, which is a fantastic size 14+ clothing company I learned about through Shapely Prose. I haven't done yoga in a long time, really, because I had nothing to comfortable in which to do it! When Kate Harding posted about her purchase, I knew I had to get one. I was able to this month and I'm very happy with it! I was afraid it wouldn't fit (I chose a 2X) because my hips are troublesome to size, but it's near-perfect. If you're active or thinking about becoming active, definitely check out Junonia.

A real update, finally! (With fat girl pictures!)

2007-09-29T06:09:00.002-05:00

I've been very absent the past few days but lots of things have been going on. I'll make a bulleted list of all the IRL drama to explain:

I stopped the Solu-Medrol infusions on Friday the 21st and I'm on oral prednisone for a month now, per standard exacerbation procedure. I'm feeling better, but the prednisone tends to make me both wired and erratically depressed lately, so it's kind of a roller coaster ride.
I'm hungry and would also like to eat the world thanks to the steroids.
My partner and caregiver (who worked for 20 years of her life) has applied for Social Security Disability (due to an autoimmune disease, a knee that's been wrecked for half her life, and severe depression) and we're currently working toward letting the government do its job for her. This is different than my SSI experience so I'm expecting more trouble for her than I had, but it's going mostly okay so far.
Said partner is terrified of doctors, though, and hasn't seen any in about 15 years. She had to see two in the past two weeks for Medicaid, both of which were nasty to her. The second diagnosed her as depressed, though, so she will receive Medicaid benefits in a month, which she needs. (I have been on Medicaid for a year; it's the only way I get my medication.)
My partner will see two more doctors this Monday in St. Louis (what a drive!) for the Social Security disability determination, and I'm trying to manage our combined stress as best I can until then. If you have any good thoughts to send, please pass them her way.
Back to MS, I have also decided to go on Tysabri and took my last Copaxone injection today. That means I have a month before I can get an infusion. I have an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday to fill out the paperwork.
I'm scared, but really excited about the new drug. I've heard some wonderful things about Tysabri that I hope (realistically) will happen with me.

Now that that's out of the way, has everyone checked out the awesomeness that is Sweet Machine's Challenge at Shapely Prose and The Rotund's Guessing Game? There are follow ups and they're all excellent reads. (Much better than anything by this douchebag, as reported by Kate, anyway.) There are graphs, even, which confuse me but seem to amuse and fascinate other people. So go read! Read read read, okay, before I get hit with the old meme stick.

Also, though I've never lied about my weight, I thought I should post a couple of photos here to show you all what a 5'0", 240lb woman looks like. You can click on the thumbs for bigger pictures:

Me in May,
maybe 10lbs heavier.

Me a week ago,
at my current weight.
(With new glasses!)

So yep, that's me, with my 46.9 BMI and my morbid obesity. And despite all this, from my last series of checkups, it's apparent that I'm not gonna keel over from diabetes, heart disease, or a stroke anytime soon. And you know what? Even if I was, it wouldn't make me any less of a human being deserving basic respect.

I believe Health at Every Size is a great idea, and it's probably the best route for people as a whole. But I'm going to admit right now (without any shame) that I'm not a terribly great practitioner of it myself, but I'm still alive, and still here, and I still have a body and a mind and feelings and that makes me a person. So whether I do yoga and eat a balanced diet, or (more likely) sit on my ass at the computer having a bowl of butter noodles for every meal, you can't tell a person from a picture.

Going around pointing at someone saying "they're not healthy!" because of how they look is stupid and makes no sense. First of all, just admit you don't care about health at all - you loathe the fat and want to hide it behind some kind of patronizing concern for us, as if we need your "help." Secondly, considering all the misses at Guess the Rotund's Weight, you probably have no earthly idea what X amount of weight looks like in the first place, douchebag, and X amount of weight does not fucking equal X amount of probability of disease, activity level, "good vs bad" eating, or any of that crap.

... Okay, I'm tired of writing. I have a vet appointment in three hours and an art festival to drag myself to in the afternoon. I gotta get some rest while there's still time.

This message has been brought to you by... a lot of other people, really, on whose generous coattails I'm riding. Thanks for reading.

Repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

2007-09-26T14:43:00.001-05:00

My friend Kris passed along this link to me, asking everyone to write their congressmen and ask them to repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

The form letter they give is a pretty good one and leaves plenty of room for personalization. Also, they don't just mention gay and lesbian servicemen, they specifically mention bisexuals, too. That makes me feel really good about this. One of my biggest peeves is seeing the "B" in "LGBT" get left out. (The "T" is another one too, but that's a different post for a different time.)

Thanks.

Happy Celebrate Bisexuality Day!

2007-09-23T00:23:00.000-05:00

I'll be at home, attempting to cuddle with my lady love while simultaneously thinking of Danny Huston. It's pretty much the best I'm going to get, but hey.

(Read about Celebrate Bisexuality Day at Wikipedia.)

"Fatties You Need to Get a Grip"

2007-09-21T10:17:00.000-05:00

From Red No. 3: "The Era of Fat Militancy"

"This ever-expanding national girth is a reflection of our over-tolerant attitude to fatness. It is a much more comfortable social experience to be fat in the UK or the US than it is in Europe. Call it body fascism if you like, but in Europe excessive weight gain, much like excessive drinking, is socially disapproved of.

In the UK, on the other hand, being fat is so common as to be acceptable, even expected. Indeed we live in the era of fat militancy, borrowed from the US, where clothes shops catering for teenagers are taken to task for not stocking previously unheard-of sizes upwards of extra large, and where the design of everything from toilet seats to bus aisles is rapidly being scaled up to cater for greatly enlarged dimensions."

-Joanna Blythman

Wow. This is so inflammatory, I'm ashamed to link to it. I don't even wanna fucking talk about it. I might just have to set my blog on fire now.

(Thanks Brian as always for the link. Although, I dunno, you may have to supply me with a new blog soon.)

I love Paul Campos and I love The Globe.

2007-09-19T17:48:00.001-05:00

Re: this article, which is made of win.

Labels.

2007-09-19T10:28:00.000-05:00

I am:

Female or a woman, girl occasionally
Bisexual (often with a strong heterosexual preference)
In a same-sex relationship/marriage
Fat, occasionally curvaceous or voluptuous
Agnostic or witch (or lapsed pagan)
Liberal, Democrat, or progressive (pinko commie liberal is okay too, in jest!)
Disabled or handicapped

I am not:

A grrl, wimmin, womyn, cuntlovin lady (or somesuch nonsense I read once)
Lesbian, gay, pansexual, queer
In a gay, lesbian, or queer relationship/marriage
Overweight, obese, chubby, chunky, fluffy, "more to love," etc.
Stupid for not identifying as an atheist already
Lefty
Differently-abled or handi-capable

There's nothing wrong with the labels up there that I am not - they fit happily for plenty of people, and anyone should be able to call themselves whatever they want. They just don't describe me is all, so please label me accordingly.

This was an old post from my LiveJournal from last month, I believe, posted partly in response to this great article on fat semantics at Red No. 3. It unfortunately left out anything about bisexuals in the homosexual labels paragraphs and though I understand why, that always irks me somewhat. (Bisexuals seem to either get left out by the good guys, or pointed out in a negative way by the bad guys, so I guess I'd rather go with left out most of the time.)

Anyway, I felt the need to label myself here just to let everyone know who I believe I am :)

How do you all label yourselves?

Wacky hospitals, exacerbations, and the fickleness of scales.

2007-09-17T21:02:00.001-05:00

So, I called in this morning and was able to get in to see my neurologist. He was really concerned about my symptoms, and suggested three things:

1) Another 5-day week of 1 gram Solu Medrol infusions given over 1 hour at the hospital, followed by a 30 day taper of oral prednisone
2) More MRIs - brain with and without, and cervical spine.
3) Tysabri.

More accurately, he said, "I really want you to consider Tysabri." To which I replied, "I'm so glad you said that!" He gave me the forms they have to fill out and fax to the TOUCH people, and told me to look them over during the week. I always have a follow up appointment with him the next week and he'll prescribe it to me then and get things going. I have to be off the Copaxone for four weeks before I can have my first Tysabri infusion, so it'll be awhile before anything actually happens, but I feel good about it.

My first day at the hospital went well, by the way. This hospital is normally a little screwy, but during the last week of Solu Medrol it went pretty smoothly, and I think it may do again. I always have a midline catheter put in to deliver the infusion into my arm, and the gentleman who does it these days is always a delight. I have absolutely no fear of needles, injections, blood withdrawals, or anything pokey or sticky related. I'm actually only ever scared if I can't see what's going on, meaning I must watch the needle going in and I must not be told to look away. The midline's a bloody little affair, with a big needle, and I was happy as a clam. And, you know, I was going to get medicine, so I was happy about that too.

The IV machines are age old and frequently backprime or get air in the lines, and they beep all day. It's funny because they always tell me to keep my arm straight and don't move, but most of the time when I'm there, I'm suffering from spasticity and straightening out - and keeping perfectly still - are painful. I've had nurses grab my arm and hold it sometimes, which is reprehensible, hence "a little screwy." (They've done worse, but I'll save it for another day.) Anyway, the funny part is, sometimes I sleep all curled up and it never beeps once - and some days, when I deliberately hold my arm straight, it beeps nearly ten times over the hour. It's ridiculous.

So the first good sign for this week was that it only beeped once - right after the solution had been hooked into the IV machine and the nurse was still in the room, so she could see that nothing was out of the ordinary. The machine was just being contrary. So, yeah, things are looking good at the hospital lately. Good, but curious.

Another curious thing I noticed (though not necessarily good) since going I'm to the doctor so very much is the absolute unreliability - no, the fickleness of scales. Now, I've never owned a scale you buy for the home. First of all, I've never had use for one, and secondly, if I did want to know my weight, chances were I would be at a doctor's office at some point and some nurse would get to heckle me about it. (I was sick growing up a lot too, and I've always been fat.) I always trusted the results, just like I was naive enough to trust some doctors I shouldn't have when I was younger, because - duh! - the scales are in medical facilities! And who couldn't trust them?

But I don't trust stupid doctors anymore, and now I can't even trust a good doctor's scale. I've always known there were differences between scales, but get this: At my neurologist's today, I got weighed (at my request) on one of those rickety "climb up on the wobbly metal platform, let someone slide something around until it sorta balances, then try to hop off without tripping" kinds of scales. I weighed in at 248lbs at his office. I think I gained about 5-10lbs since my last visit at my GP's, but it's natural being on steroids. It's also a lot closer to what I feel is my "normal" weight. During the last exacerbation, I felt like a ghost, and I was about 235-240lbs, where I use to rest happily around 250lbs - and haven't since my weight started buoying because of MS, dysesthesia, steroids, and all that other stuff. Just more proof that everyone's "normal" weight is different.

Still, I still feel ghost-like, even after being told my weight's nearly back to normal. So in comes the second scale...

When I got to the hospital, they had to weigh me there exactly for the infusion, in metric this time. The CMA brought in one of those big, wide platform scales with an electric meter that can weigh you in kilograms or pounds - serious business. They're also a lot easier to stand on, too, and have things to hold onto to get yourself into a good standing position. (Why my neuro, considering his patients, has nothing like this and no grips for people to hold onto is beyond me.) Anyway, on this scale, I weighed 241lbs. That's a 7lb difference! That kind of difference might make someone less sanguine about what they weigh totally freak out. I'm glad I'm not that kind of girl - about 99% of the time, anyway.

Oh, we interrupt this rant to bring you this news: Not that it would have either surprised me or broken my spirit, but I wasn't harrassed by anyone operating any of the scales, by the way. Again, I'm done with putting up with stupid doctors and nurses and their additional "fat kills" BS, but I'm glad I don't have to face it on a regular basis. Especially when I'm exacerbating.

So today I'm going with the latter weight reading. It's not because it's the smaller of the two - it's because the technology for the latter scale is obviously superior to my neuro's piece of crap scale. And I still don't feel "normal" in my body, so I'm going to listen to what it's saying and conclude that I'm probably 241lbs instead of 248. It has nothing to do with those zomg 7lbs ruining my day or my life. It just feels right to me.

And... that was my day. Doctor, hospital, midline, Tysabri talk, and dueling weight readings. Doesn't that sound like fun?

Yeah, I know it doesn't. Humor me a little; I'm sick.

Dieting vs. Fat Acceptance.

2007-09-15T11:39:00.000-05:00

So I'm reading Rio Iriri's post on dieting and fat acceptance, and I have to say, I really quite agree with her. The fact that she has a chronic illness like myself makes me appreciate the medical aspect she brought into this conversation, and I often relate to a lot of other stories she tells on her blog because of this.

I'm not ready to discuss this Dieting vs. Fat Acceptance issue at length yet, even though I mentioned it (discouragingly) in my own first post to this blog, but I thought I should link to her to show what I'm reading while I'm getting my thoughts in order.

On the subject of MS...

2007-09-14T21:57:00.000-05:00

This post by the MS Activist on the DoD Appropriations bill, asking for $15 million for the CDMRP for MS research for veterans, inspired me to send (personalized) emails to my representative JoAnn Emerson (boo) and Senator Claire McCaskill (yay) asking them to sign. I feel pretty armchair-activist right now.

If you read the post, agree with the material (how could you not?) and wanna be like me, please send your senators and representatives email and ask them to help. It's the least we can all do.

Edited to add: I'm also very proud that one of the two representatives leading the caucus is Russ Carnahan (D), from my state of Missouri. Go us!

Considering Tysabri.

2007-09-14T21:39:00.002-05:00

Have you heard about Tysabri (natalizumab)? Most MS patients have. It's an immunosuppressant back on the market since last year, produced by Biogen and Elan Pharmaceuticals. It was taken off the market for some time because three people developed PML (progressive multifocal leukoencephalopathy) - two cases were fatal. One of the fatal cases and the non-fatal one had been taking Avonex, Biogen's other MS drug for RRMS, at the same time. The other fatal case had a long history of using immunosuppressants.

I'm writing about Tysabri today because I'm considering taking it. Before I tell you why, I thought maybe I should write about my history with MS here. I've had it for over a year now, was diagnosed last November, and am currently taking Copaxone (glatiramer acetate), made by Teva Neuroscience, which I dearly love. Here's a short version of what I went through with my symptoms, diagnosis, and my choice to take Copaxone.

(Reposted from my tiny and never-used Copaxone community on LiveJournal, around April.)

I was diagnosed in early November after slowly degenerating since June. I wasn't able to see my neuro until October, because my former workplace misled me about getting my medical benefits, and I couldn't afford to see a doctor. I also had to move cross-country back to my mom's 'cause of financial trouble - in the worst of all this. I had gotten to the point where I couldn't walk unassisted, half of my left eye was blurry to see out of, I vomited up everything I ate because of a banding feeling around my stomach (so I'd dropped 1/6th of my body weight), I had trouble with holding my bowel and bladder, and below my neck it felt like I was wearing a thick bodystocking - no fine sensation at all, and even some pressure sensation was gone. I also had horrible pain along the sides of my spine and in my neck.

When I got back home, I'm lucky that my diagnosis was pretty quick and easy - well, I had five MRIs and a spinal tap within a couple of weeks, if you consider that quick and easy. There were two lesions in my brain and a whole score of them, still with swelling, in my cervical spine. Once I knew what I had, I spent a week in the hospital on methylprednisolone, which really jump-started my body back into behaving. Then there was a month on prednisone - a lifesaver for me before, during my second bout of Bell's palsy (my first one went untreated and is therefore permanent) - and while I took the steroids I decided on a long-term therapy.

I was all set on Rebif until I realized the only reason I wanted to take it was that the promotional material I'd read seemed like it was trying to scare me into taking it. I didn't want the flu-like side effects or the depression (no help needed there at that point) or the chance of becoming tolerant to interferons, but Rebif basically made it sound like if I didn't take it, I was definitely going to get sicker, all the while telling me how strong and brave I was. And when my fiancée Michie read it, she told me that was no reason to take a medicine for the rest of my life. I'm really thankful that she said that, because I was thinking it all along, but I'd already been so scared and confused by my diagnosis that I guess I needed someone close to me who knew me to tell me how they felt about it. She really saved me there.

So I went back to the other material I'd gotten - the Copaxone - and I reread it and realized how much better I liked the sound of it. Not just because this time there wasn't any doom and gloom disguised by images of people rock-climbing or anything, but because the statistical material impressed me more, and there was a comparatively smaller list of side-effects. When I called the Shared Solutions people for more information, they were really nice on the phone and I liked the general attitude about the drug. Of course, it took me another month to be able to start Copaxone, seeing as how I had to apply for Medicaid to be able to afford it. That's one thing that doesn't sit well with me about it, but I don't feel like talking about the problems with drug companies - even nice ones - in this post right now.

I started Copaxone in the beginning of December and I've been taking it ever since. I'm lucky that needles have never bothered me in any sense, and I don't mind giving myself injections every night - I've never missed an injection! I've had some site reactions and sometimes they're painful - like some muscle pain afterward if I happen to go too deep, or sometimes a raised area around the site - but they're nothing compared to the stuff I've read and heard from friends about the stuff interferons could possibly do to me. I know some people who are very happy on their interferon drugs, but I just didn't want to take that chance for myself.

I'm very new in my diagnosis and I have had some fallbacks since. At the end of December I was walking on my own again (with a cane), had regained most of the feeling in my body above my knees (my feet and calves going numb were the first signs I had MS, actually, and I know I might not get it back - I still haven't), my eyes had cleared up, and I was finally able to eat again! But by New Year's I was starting to go numb up the waist again, and my gait imbalance had gotten a little worse. So I went back on the methylprednisolone and then another round of prednisone. I got even better that time, and was really hopeful until the end of this month, when my pain got worse and the numbness came back again to my waist. So, last week was a hospital week for me and I'm currently on for another month of prednisone. I'm doing much much better this week than last one - I really love my steroids, I guess. I know it's bad to be on them for a prolonged period of time, but lucky I keep having longer breaks in between needing them.

I'm worried about people saying Copaxone isn't working for me because I seem to be having more exacerbations than I guess I "should" with the drug. I'm going to the Trotter Center at Washington University in St. Louis this month (on my birthday - oh joy!) and I'm afraid doctors there will give me news I don't want to hear, since I'm happy being on the Copaxone and think it's really helping me. Maybe I'm just going to have more exacerbations than other people. I've only been diagnosed for six months now. In the meantime, I have had more MRIs and no new lesions have developed since October, and every time I fall back, I end up coming back stronger than before.

... Except, this time, I'm not. I had another round of methylprednisolone in August, and have been on a month-long prednisone taper since. At first, again, it seemed like things were getting better. My main complaints with that exacerbation were pain in my back (a sure sign for me), loss of sensation up to my waist, and coordination problems. The oral prednisone taper after the infusions really seems to kick in and help the trouble, and it did... for awhile.

In the last week, I've been feeling worse than ever. My body is numb up past my waist again, so far up that I'm having dysesthesia again, which I haven't had for months. It feels like I'm wearing a body shaper and it worried me, because I hadn't had it in so long I forgot what it was, and then it came back to me like, "Oh, I'm not being crushed. It's 'cause I can't feel." That was truly terrifying. Add in several half-falls, spasticity that wakes me up in the night, burning skin, and that's my typical day for you lately. The increases in my medications (Neurontin, baclofen) haven't helped a bit, and I've been living for my typical 5-6 Lorcet Plus a day to try to mitigate the pain.

I saw that aforementioned MS specialist in April of this year and my fears were thankfully unfounded. The concurred with my first neuro's diagnosis of relapsing-remitting MS and suggested that, were I to have many more exacerbations, that I should go off the Copaxone for a month, try Tysabri for a set of months, go off the Tysabri for a month, and resume my Copaxone since it seemed to be helping with lesions in the brain and spine. Also, the doctor seemed to hold the same feelings about interferons that I did and actually recommended I not take them; that Tysabri would be a better route. If a doctor suggests Tysabri over interferons, she means business.

When I got back, my regular neurologist seemed to agree with her findings. That was five months ago, and things were better then. So, I'm considering it. And I'm kinda scared.

I don't think I'm a candidate for PML, but then again, I couldn't say I wasn't either. It's kinda scary, wanting to take a drug that's killed three people and was yanked off the market for a year because of it. Normally, I look at things like that pretty realistically (and harshly), but it's different when you're making a choice about it for yourself.

I have no idea where I'm going here right now, except that I'm feeling crummy, kinda scared, and wanted to let everyone know a little bit about my MS before I head on back to fat acceptance and whatever else. If anyone's reading, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thanks.

Figuratively speaking.

2007-09-13T02:31:00.000-05:00

Figure magazine's looking for fat bloggers, so says Big Fat Blog, where you can follow a link to their website forums to see who's been nominated. Paul expresses disappointment that some names are missing, but is glad to see a few - and he's on the list himself!

I don't think they're looking for what's become the usual kind of fat blogger, though. That's okay; they're a fashion/lifestyle magazine, not a political one. It might be good for one of the winners to be able to bring some fat politics to the table, but I don't know how welcome that'd be in a place like Figure, and I also don't really read much fat fashion in most of the blogs in which I'm interested (and would nominate). Maybe I should read more fat fashion blogs so I can find out who some of these other nominees are?

Anita Roddick passes away.

2007-09-12T10:10:00.000-05:00

I heard about this news through Kate Harding's Shapely Prose. Anita Roddick was a very interesting lady, the proprietrix of The Body Shop, and I'm sad to hear of her passing. Follow the link to Kate's to learn more about Dame Anita than you thought you did.

The Endomorph on: Fat Acceptance, dieters, being bisexual, MS, and other introductory things.

2007-09-11T01:55:00.000-05:00

I've been mulling over the idea of creating this blog for a few weeks now. I guess I was finally spurred to do something about it out of the incredible discussion/drama that's going around fat blogs lately regarding "no dieting talk" rules in fat activism spaces. I personally agree with that idea, but the way some people have been expressing it has really been upsetting me. Mostly, it's because a few of my favorite bloggers have used the term "fence-sitters" to describe those people who might support fat acceptance but still be dieting toward weight loss.

As a bisexual person, the term "fence-sitter" is deeply offensive to me. When I first told my best friend about being bisexual, the first thing she responded with was not happiness for me or acceptance of what I finally chose to tell her, but instead that nasty word: "fence-sitter." It was one of the biggest let-downs of my life - that my gay, liberal, and (I thought) open and accepting best friend would turn out to be a bigot in her own way. She was able to live with me as gay or straight, but nothing in between.

I've heard "fence-sitter" many times since then, and about 75% of the time it seemed to be directed at bisexual people. So this whole "no dieting talk" thing got me thinking about that, once I saw that word being passed around. I'm certainly not on the side of the people who think dieting talk should be accepted in fat acceptance communities - I think fat acceptance and activism blogs should be totally devoid of it. Why should we, as fat people who are happy (or getting there!) with our bodies, have to listen to someone else's body negativity when there are plenty of other places on the web - probably a hundred times more, actually - for dieters to vent and chat about themselves and their food and body problems and hatred?

But, you know, it did make me empathize with them a little, I guess, when I saw that word. It's not at all the same kind of trouble as being bisexual - far from it, and there's really no comparison there at all to be made - but I do understand being caught between a rock and a hard place. I'd bet that a lot of people objecting to these posts might feel like they have to choose sides, and when my best friend - someone who'd helped me learn to like myself enough to tell her about my orientation - gave me that impression, that there were only two sides and I had to pick one or just go away, it kind of stung.

(I know that, in these discussions, some people are having trouble delineating between Dieting and Dieters. Most of the bloggers posting about it are talking about Dieting, and Fat Acceptance as a political movement - not about individual people, whether they be fat people, fat people utilizing HAES, super-sized fat people, Dieters, or what have you. And not about judging them, either. However, it seems that the feelings of many of these people - the Dieters, in this case, and super-sized fat people as well - are getting caught in the crossfire. This is what I'm attempting to address.)

So then I started thinking about how I've been fat all my life, and this dieting thing had never really touched me, even though I grew up with tons of body negativity and had been encouraged to lose weight all my life. And then I thought about how I've been bisexual all my life, and encouraged by both gay and straight people to hurry up and pick a side, or shut up and go away. But one thing that really defines and affects me now is being disabled, and I haven't been disabled all my life.

I've always disliked doctors because of the way they've treated me because I'm fat (among other things, which I may discuss later). Unfortunately, I have to see quite a lot of them now because of multiple sclerosis, which was diagnosed almost a year ago. One thing I've found is that I'm constantly having to distinguish between being disabled because of MS and being disabled "because I'm obese and going to die!!!1" The latter of which, you know, just isn't true. Because fat isn't inherently unhealthy, doesn't kill you, and shouldn't be a sign of personal failure, either.

And then there's the ironic part of being fat and sick: the MS actually caused me to drop about 60 pounds after onset, and I haven't been able to find my "normal" weight since. I was able to gain most of it back thanks to steroids, which lessened my condition and made me healthier (!!!) again, but I've been hovering around 240, where I used to be 250, and sometimes I dip down to 220 if I'm having another exacerbation. And everyone's like, "Oh, it's great you're losing weight!" And I wanna say, "But, but, but... I'm losing weight because I can't eat, and my stomach feels like it's being squeezed tighter than Melora Creager's corset, and, and, and..."

... Oh yeah, there's that too. The title of the blog is taken from Rasputina's "The Endomorph" and lyrics. I mean, I am an endomorph. And I'm slow, 'cause I can't walk without a cane anymore. And I go back and forth, because I'm a fence-sitter... uhm, I mean, I'm bisexual. Even though I really mostly like men, but my fiancee of six years is female, so... I dunno.

I'm all typed out, and I think this introduction's pretty much done with. Maybe I'll just save the rest of this for another day. So make way for plenty of links to blogs and half-assed rants and raves, okay? Take care.